Letters, Personal

To the Scar that Refuses to Heal

You fucked me up.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to undo all the damage you did. If I’ll ever be able to heal all the scars you left

Your name doesn’t even leave a bitter taste in my mouth, it bites like a poison that reaches my core

I still hear your words echoing in my head. Every goddamn thing you said to me, every goddamn thing you said about me

I can never unsee the image of myself that you painted in my head

I will never be able to unlearn every horrible thing that you taught me about myself

And now here I am

It’s been years but I’m still projecting your image of me onto others

I still close my mouth when I have so much more to say

I still shy away from every touch

I still flinch at the anger I expect to come when I open my mouth

Or speak to much or too loudly 

You shook me to my core in the worst goddamn way possible

I can’t erase those chapter of my life

I can’t undo the typos you left in my head

I can’t undo what you did to me, no matter how hard I try

No matter how many times I pick up a pen and try to revise 

It’s etched in stone 

It’s etched on my skin

I can’t forget or forgive or move on because this is who I am now

This is who you made me into
I can’t unsee myself in the image that you created and I’ve been staring at her for so long I think I’ve forgotten what I looked like before you
I can’t go back now

I wouldn’t know how to be that person anymore that’s an mold I no longer fit into a mold I no longer recognize
Broken bones mend

Scars heal

Bruises fade

But the mark you left on me keeps reopening,

It refuses to heal, refuses to let me move forward and far away from you
I hear your anger in the back of my head every time I open my mouth to speak

Your ghost keeps my quiet, keeps me docile

And I’m sure you’d like it that way

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