Letters, Personal, poetry

Some New Beginnings

It’s been a while since I’ve updated this site and I am truly sorry for that. Whenever my life spins a little out of my control the first things I lose my grip on are my favorite tasks. It’s been m o n t h s since I last updated here or on my Patreon or on my Etsy. But now I’m working to get back in to the swing of the things and gets some updates rolling out.

NaNoWriMo is next month!!! That’s exciting and also terrifying as some of my fellow writer may be feeling right now. My ultimate goal is to have Crooked Letters to Crooked Lovers FINISHED by the end of November (fingers crossed). Then I could start the printing process and make my final round of edits and add ons. I’m hoping to have everything wrapped up and ready to go by early 2018!

Here’s another poem set to be featured in the collection; a personal favorite of mine (and one you’ve already sneaked a peak at if you follow me on Instagram):

Even on the darkest nights

the earth still turns

spins

and wakes up again

My only hope is that you do too

As always, of you’d like to get inside looks at this project or support it in anyway my Patreon account is the place to go! (Plus I just updated all of my rewards and other patron goodies) Thanks for sticking it out through my scattered time frame and thought process.

Love and light,

m.m.t.

Letters, Personal, poetry

Medicated and Mighty

I'm spending the day editing my book and making the final touches on some of the poems, order, and other small details!
I'm honestly amazed with myself for how quickly this is coming together now that I actually have the energy to work on it.
(Thank you Wellbutrin for making me feel alive again.)
Here's another sneak peek at one of the poems that will be in the book; one that I feel suits how I've been feeling this week. Let me know your thoughts!

Store bought neurotransmitters

Are just as valid as homemade

Not being able to make your own

Does not make you weak

And taking the steps to receive help

Doesn't make you broken

It makes you strong as hell

⁃ Medicated and mighty

Letters, Personal, poetry

Witchcraft

I am a force of nature
not easily contained
I have magick coursing through me
and every time I open my mouth
I move mountains with my spells
I will not let you walk into my life
and demand that I make myself small
just to make you more comfortable
I am a force of nature
Respect that or prepare to face
my true and abundant force

⁃ a witch who refuses to burn

Personal, poetry

When Poetry Lacks Honesty

How many times must I write my way out of a labyrinth? I thought I had done this before but it never suffices. The feeling inside me never ceases. Time and time again I pick up a pen to scratch words out onto paper but the itch never stops.

Only now, something feels different. Something’s off, askew, out of balance; and I’m not quite sure how to place this feeling. It’s a lackluster sense of words with no meaning. A sign too far away to read clearly. 

Never conveying any specific meaning. I set it down. I set everything down. And I feel my world start to cave in around me. 

Eyeing my escape, I run straight and fast into the wall in front of me, blindly, with no obligation to the world around me. But this isn’t the high I seek. I never wanted “the calm after the storm”; I crave the lightning.

Storms settle my capricious soul. Swept up in the thunder and heavy clouds I find my peace of mind. Because here, I can let my soul scream with no fear of being heard. 

Thunder drowns out my yells and shouts of obscenities. Where most people run for cover, I unleash my loudest thoughts. Not a poetic mixture of rain drops and tears, but a chaotic combination of my heart and a hurricane.

Yet here I am. Trapped in a place where it never rains enough to keep my mind’s fire at bay. So the shouts in my head never cease but are dulled by the ever-flowing ocean of ink spilling from my veins.

poetry

Certainty

I feel your warmth as you lay against me

with the rhythm of your heart beating in your chest

keeping time, keeping pace,

keeping the storm raging in my head at bay

and leaving behind my long-forgotten peace of mind.

 

In this moment, my mind stops racing

and everything goes quiet.

In this moment, the constant over thinking means nothing

and you,

you are everything.

 

It’s just me and you,

pressed too close together,

and for once, I don’t feel claustrophobic.

For once, I don’t need you to back away;

I only want you to come closer.

 

I have always been indecisive about everything,

except for you.

I have always been certain about you.

 

It takes me 15 minutes,

and two panic attacks,

just to decide on a flavor of ice cream

but I never second-guess you.

 

I have always been certain about you.

Personal, poetry

I Was Lost

I was lost.

I was wandering aimlessly as a ghost, not quite sure who I was or where I was going. But I found solace in the numbness I was left with.

I was lost.I was lost and growing used to the loneliness of nothingness. The empty feeling I was left with had swallowed me whole and I couldn’t escape its grasp.

I didn’t want to.

I didn’t want to fight against the current any longer. Being swept out further into the sea of confusion, of absolution, was the only thing I knew anymore.

I was tired.

I was tired of being pulled under by the raging current. I couldn’t catch my breath. I couldn’t come up for air. I couldn’t grasp the concept of battling against the inevitable any longer.

I was done.

I was done trying to steady myself in a place where I knew I didn’t belong.

I was sinking.

I was sinking lower down into the abyss where I felt that I could finally rest.

I felt free.

I felt free of the burden of the weight of my solitude. The weight that had ended up drowning me. Complacent in the emptiness and calling it home.

But then there you were.

There you were, shooting into my universe like a meteor. Giving everything life and setting everything ablaze.

You felt like home.

You felt like the security I had lost so long ago. Like a steady tide rushing in to whisk me out of my self proclaimed labyrinth.

We were perfect.

We were perfect in knowing that perfection isn’t being whole, but being found and being pieced back together again.

I felt safe.

I felt safe with your fingers intertwined with mine. A comfortability I hadn’t felt since the numbness had overpowered me.

You pulled me up.

You pulled me out of the abyss. Soaring higher towards bliss and yet not quite reaching the surface.

And you let go.

And you let me fall back into a state of hopeless confusion. Burning and drowning all at once. Disoriented by your blinding light and suffocating on the stillness surrounding me.

I’m losing it.

I’m losing everything I thought I had. I’m losing my mind. I’m losing myself. I’m losing my way.

I am lost.