Letters, Personal

Crooked Letters – Draft One

The first draft of Crooked Letters to Crooked Lovers officially exists in the physical world!

I fell into a bit of a creative slump for a few months while my mental health fluctuated and my medications were rearranged.
But now I’m feeling better than I ever have. I have more motivation, more energy, and more creative pumping through my veins.

Draft one is ready to be edited, rewritten, and expanded.

This is an exciting step forward for me on my journey to publishing this novel!

Love and Light

Letters, Personal

To the Scar that Refuses to Heal

You fucked me up.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to undo all the damage you did. If I’ll ever be able to heal all the scars you left

Your name doesn’t even leave a bitter taste in my mouth, it bites like a poison that reaches my core

I still hear your words echoing in my head. Every goddamn thing you said to me, every goddamn thing you said about me

I can never unsee the image of myself that you painted in my head

I will never be able to unlearn every horrible thing that you taught me about myself

And now here I am

It’s been years but I’m still projecting your image of me onto others

I still close my mouth when I have so much more to say

I still shy away from every touch

I still flinch at the anger I expect to come when I open my mouth

Or speak to much or too loudly 

You shook me to my core in the worst goddamn way possible

I can’t erase those chapter of my life

I can’t undo the typos you left in my head

I can’t undo what you did to me, no matter how hard I try

No matter how many times I pick up a pen and try to revise 

It’s etched in stone 

It’s etched on my skin

I can’t forget or forgive or move on because this is who I am now

This is who you made me into
I can’t unsee myself in the image that you created and I’ve been staring at her for so long I think I’ve forgotten what I looked like before you
I can’t go back now

I wouldn’t know how to be that person anymore that’s an mold I no longer fit into a mold I no longer recognize
Broken bones mend

Scars heal

Bruises fade

But the mark you left on me keeps reopening,

It refuses to heal, refuses to let me move forward and far away from you
I hear your anger in the back of my head every time I open my mouth to speak

Your ghost keeps my quiet, keeps me docile

And I’m sure you’d like it that way

Personal, poetry

My Meteor

I lived in an endless night. I was swallowed in a darkness that had such a dizzying effect on me. I wanted nothing more than to find my way out of its grasp, but I couldn’t let go of the comfortable numbness that I had found in it. The proverbial ‘light at the end of the tunnel’ can be so hard find when you’re trapped in a dazing labyrinth engulfing and enticing you. But suddenly you shot across my sky like a meteor and set my world aflame. Everything was brilliant and dazzling and blinding with such beauty that I didn’t even know was possible. I will never forget that initial light; that spark that changed everything. You took the world around me and changed it right before my eyes. Where I had seen despair and hopelessness I now saw nothing but beauty and purity. The stars in the night sky will always remind me of you, even when you’ve long forgotten about me, because you were my falling star, the meteor that took the hopeless life I held limply in my hands and turned into a new beginning with nothing in its way. The stars will forever be my favorite, because their beauty reminds me of you. But even they look more beautiful reflected in your eyes.

Letters, Personal

To the One I Could Never Leave Alone

My biggest problem was that I always thought you cared as much as I did. I always tried to do right by you and care for you in the best ways I knew how. I always asked you to let me know when you got home so I’d know you were safe. I always stopped whatever I was doing to answer phone calls and messages so that you never felt alone. I always left my phone on at night and turned the volume all the way up, just in case. I know 3 am haunts you and I know there are too many ghost in your house for you to feel at ease. I wanted you to know that you always had someone to talk to you when the voices in your head were screaming too loudly for you to get to sleep.
But now, it’s 9 in the morning and I can’t find the strength to get out of bed. The nightmares have come back and my demons are holding me down. And you won’t answer my call.

But now, it’s 1 in the afternoon and I’m feeling lonely. There is no serenity in being alone with a troubled mind. And you still aren’t replying to my messages.

But now, it’s 2 am and I have tears streaming down my face. The demons in my head are clawing at the walls of my mind, everything is spinning, and I have no idea who to turn to.

But now, it’s 3 am and my phone is ringing. The ghosts in your house have started screaming in your ear and you can’t face them on your own. 
So now, I’m wiping away the sadness from my eyes and choking back the sound of tears in my voice. Because I’d never want you to have to face your demons on your own.

Letters, Personal

To the One Who Broke Down the Wall

I want to share sad stories with you. I want to feel your fingers interlaced with mine as we break down the walls surrounding our hearts. I want to pour my heart out and want you to accept everything I am, everything I was, and everything I will be. I want to lay on a blanket under the stars and talk about our pasts and our future. I want to count the stars and fill the air with smoke from our lungs. I want to fill the empty space around us with our laughter. I want to know about your passions, I want to listen to you try explain the inner workings of your world to me. I want to tell you about the the way ink spills out of my body everyday at 2 am. Show me your scars and let me tell you how strong you are. 

Personal, poetry

The Girl Who Loved The Stars 

There was a girl who loved the stars and the vastness of her world. This girl was young, and starry eyed, with a love for everything and everyone in her life. She had an insatiable curiosity and thirst for knowledge of forms. She loved art, music, novels, and the limitless world that surrounded her. This was a girl who loved the stars because they shone down every night with a brilliance that sparked her imagination and creativity.

There was a girl who loved the stars and the vastness of her world. This girl grew up well, surrounded by love and support, and she learned compassion at a young age. This was a girl who set high goals for herself and did her best at every turn. She did well on her schoolwork and devoured every book she could get her hands on. The stars, to her, were representations of the limitless possibilities her world held for her.
There was a girl who loved the stars and the vastness of her world. But as time went on, the stars held a different meaning for her. This was a girl who tried her hardest in each and every one of her endeavors. A girl who cared profusely and aimed to assist whomever she could. This was a girl, of only 15 years, whose natural empathy was twisted against her. With her trust misplaced, she was stripped of her childlike smile and heartfelt laughter. This was a girl, one much too young, who had her innocence ripped away. This was a girl who only looked at the stars as an escape from her day-to-day routine.
There was a girl who loved the stars and the vastness of her world. A girl who felt more at home looking up at the sky than she did sitting in her own bedroom. The night, once vibrant and so alive, now only sparked nightmares in this girl’s mind. Sleep seldom found her and she was left alone with her thoughts at night. This was a girl who only looked at the stars through teary eyes.
There was a girl who loved the stars and the vastness of her world. But the further she collapsed into herself, the scarier it all began to seem. Where she had once found solace in the limitless possibilities, she now found nothing but anxieties in the realm of the unknown. This girl kept her head down often and started counting the drags and self inflicted wounds instead of the stars.
There was a girl who loved the stars and the vastness of her world. This girl’s life, once beautiful and full of possibilities, had been twisted and mangled into something she no longer recognized. This was a girl who wanted out, who looked at the stars as a better home. She closed her eyes and counted the stars found behind her eyelids as they wheeled her away into the unknown.
There was a girl who loved the stars and the vastness of her world. Her days still blurred together in her mind, but she found new and better ways to cope. This was a girl who drowned herself in music that reminded her of better days. When the flashbacks started she wrote her way to sanity, this time on paper instead of on her arms. This was a girl who looked up at the cloudy night sky and found rays of hope in the stars.
There was girl who loved the stars and the vastness of the world. She had locked herself away from everything, but she had begun to heal from the inside out. This was a girl who was slowly starting to trust herself again. Her days were still rocky, but the good was starting to outweigh the bad. This was a girl who looked the stars as guides on her way back home.
There was a girl who loved the stars and the vastness of her world. 


To The One My Heart Grew Heavy For

I miss you terribly and I wish you’d come back home to me. I know it’s a selfish thing, wishing you were here while you need your time and space, but I can’t help wanting to be wrapped up safely in your arms. You were my rock, my safety net, and now you’re gone; you’ve disappeared and I don’t know if you’ll be coming back. My mind is full of words I never had the courage to share with you, and now I’m left regretting every unspoken syllable. I should have been more open with you because now, when I no longer have the opportunity, I want to rip my heart wide open and let its love pour over you. I need you, I need you here, and not because I can’t image a life without you; but because, now that I’ve had the chance to swim inside your soul, no other waters seem so appealing.

I want to run to you and hold you in my arms. I want to feel the rhythm of your heart beating against my chest. I want to hear your voice echoing your declarations of love for me. But I can’t bring myself to call out to you.

Your head has been hectic, your mind a mess, and I know you need time to sort it all out. And yes, I miss you, but above all I am so concerned for your well-being. You told me you were falling apart, and I’ve never felt so worried. I want to hold your hand and help you through this. I want you to know that I’m on your side. I’m doing all I can to keep myself from calling out to you. I desperately want to make sure that you’re safe, that you’re doing well tonight. But you asked for time and I want to respect your space.

I love you. And my heart is so damn heavy for you. Take your time and take care of yourself. But know in your heart I’m always here, waiting with open arms.