Personal, poetry

When Poetry Lacks Honesty

How many times must I write my way out of a labyrinth? I thought I had done this before but it never suffices. The feeling inside me never ceases. Time and time again I pick up a pen to scratch words out onto paper but the itch never stops.

Only now, something feels different. Something’s off, askew, out of balance; and I’m not quite sure how to place this feeling. It’s a lackluster sense of words with no meaning. A sign too far away to read clearly. 

Never conveying any specific meaning. I set it down. I set everything down. And I feel my world start to cave in around me. 

Eyeing my escape, I run straight and fast into the wall in front of me, blindly, with no obligation to the world around me. But this isn’t the high I seek. I never wanted “the calm after the storm”; I crave the lightning.

Storms settle my capricious soul. Swept up in the thunder and heavy clouds I find my peace of mind. Because here, I can let my soul scream with no fear of being heard. 

Thunder drowns out my yells and shouts of obscenities. Where most people run for cover, I unleash my loudest thoughts. Not a poetic mixture of rain drops and tears, but a chaotic combination of my heart and a hurricane.

Yet here I am. Trapped in a place where it never rains enough to keep my mind’s fire at bay. So the shouts in my head never cease but are dulled by the ever-flowing ocean of ink spilling from my veins.

poetry

Certainty

I feel your warmth as you lay against me

with the rhythm of your heart beating in your chest

keeping time, keeping pace,

keeping the storm raging in my head at bay

and leaving behind my long-forgotten peace of mind.

 

In this moment, my mind stops racing

and everything goes quiet.

In this moment, the constant over thinking means nothing

and you,

you are everything.

 

It’s just me and you,

pressed too close together,

and for once, I don’t feel claustrophobic.

For once, I don’t need you to back away;

I only want you to come closer.

 

I have always been indecisive about everything,

except for you.

I have always been certain about you.

 

It takes me 15 minutes,

and two panic attacks,

just to decide on a flavor of ice cream

but I never second-guess you.

 

I have always been certain about you.

Personal, poetry

I Was Lost

I was lost.

I was wandering aimlessly as a ghost, not quite sure who I was or where I was going. But I found solace in the numbness I was left with.

I was lost.I was lost and growing used to the loneliness of nothingness. The empty feeling I was left with had swallowed me whole and I couldn’t escape its grasp.

I didn’t want to.

I didn’t want to fight against the current any longer. Being swept out further into the sea of confusion, of absolution, was the only thing I knew anymore.

I was tired.

I was tired of being pulled under by the raging current. I couldn’t catch my breath. I couldn’t come up for air. I couldn’t grasp the concept of battling against the inevitable any longer.

I was done.

I was done trying to steady myself in a place where I knew I didn’t belong.

I was sinking.

I was sinking lower down into the abyss where I felt that I could finally rest.

I felt free.

I felt free of the burden of the weight of my solitude. The weight that had ended up drowning me. Complacent in the emptiness and calling it home.

But then there you were.

There you were, shooting into my universe like a meteor. Giving everything life and setting everything ablaze.

You felt like home.

You felt like the security I had lost so long ago. Like a steady tide rushing in to whisk me out of my self proclaimed labyrinth.

We were perfect.

We were perfect in knowing that perfection isn’t being whole, but being found and being pieced back together again.

I felt safe.

I felt safe with your fingers intertwined with mine. A comfortability I hadn’t felt since the numbness had overpowered me.

You pulled me up.

You pulled me out of the abyss. Soaring higher towards bliss and yet not quite reaching the surface.

And you let go.

And you let me fall back into a state of hopeless confusion. Burning and drowning all at once. Disoriented by your blinding light and suffocating on the stillness surrounding me.

I’m losing it.

I’m losing everything I thought I had. I’m losing my mind. I’m losing myself. I’m losing my way.

I am lost.

Letters, Personal

Crooked Letters Updates – Patreon Support

My debut novel Crooked Letters to Crooked Lovers is in the works!
And now, you can help me bring it to life and get some exclusive content by becoming a patron on Patreon!

What becoming a patron means for you!

  • Access to my other writing social media accounts where I share snippets of my works in progress, half thoughts, and abstract lines of unfinished poetry.
  • Access to my vault! This is my personal file of of my old drafts, poems, and short stories. This means access to never before seen writing by me!
  • Access to unpublished first drafts of the letters! Be the first (and sometimes only) people to see the original drafts and poems that later become the letters in the novel.
  • Discounts on my freelance editing services! Copy editing and content editing for essays, short stories, blog posts, and so much more.
  • Early access to the first official copy of Crooked Letters to Crooked Lovers!
  • My undying and eternal love and appreciation! From the bottom of my heart, I truly do appreciate everyone who decides to become a patron or shares my story. You all me the world to me. Thank you all.

Love and light,

m.m.t.